Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. With the growth of brain science and research we now know that humans have mirror neurons that allow us to have a sense of what others are feeling. In essence, we see another, imagine what they may be feeling, which is then mirrored in our brain. Our body unconsciously mimics the facial expression or body posture of the other person, we then respond on an emotional level and make an offer of assistance of one sort or another.
Despite these mirror neurons, not all people are able to resonate with understanding about what another is feeling. There are sometimes medical reasons for this (e.g. Mental illness, Autism etc). Growing up in a family that does not readily express emotion or show empathy overtly to others is another reason that one's empathic responses may be underdeveloped. The most common reason for a lack of empathy is the negative cycle that couples can fall into when their needs are not being met.
When we have a sense that our partner is not emotionally there for us our brains fire an alarm signal (the same way it would if we were face to face with a tiger) and we go into survival mode -- fight (pursuit), flee (withdraw) or freeze. These survival tactics, while absolutely necessary to help us when there is danger, do not allow us to connect to our partner in a way that will calm the alarm. A negative feedback cycle develops that has both partners alarm bells blaring and keeps them from being able to be truly present for each other. When we are preoccupied with survival (becoming hyper vigilant for threats and managing fear) we are unable to take in and care about our partner's upset or distress. Empathy is simply not possible in this state and the deep connection that is yearned for in relationship is missed.
Brené Brown showed a wonderful animated short in her Power of Vulnerability Ted Talk in 2012. She elegantly shows us exactly what empathy looks and feels like. Enjoy! Please follow this link to Brené Brown's animated short: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
The good news is that empathy and deep connection is something that couples can develop. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy helps couples unravel the patterns that have gotten them caught and keeps them in this fear/reactive cycle. Understanding one's stance in the cycle as well as the emotions and needs lurking below begins to soothe distressed feelings and allows couples to explore new ways of approaching each other that bring them closer rather than sending them scurrying in different directions.
To read other relationship articles click here and learn about all of the ways you and your partner can create a stronger and more vibrant relationship.
By Catherine Morris
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