The following is what I think makes a relationship work. I was with the same partner for over forty-five years. This information is merely touching the surface and is based on what worked for me and others that I spoke with who also where in long-term relationships that lasted thirty years or longer.
No one ever said it would be easy to make a relationship work. It takes two people and it is a full-time job. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. A relationship cannot be one- sided. Right out the gate trust is a key factor in any relationship, without it there is no relationship. You both have to be 100% committed and be willing to make sacrifices and compromises. Never be afraid to tell your partner how you feel. If something is bothering you talk it out, you may not like the out come but that is where compromise can come into the picture.
When making decisions to do something always take into consideration how it will affect your partner and relationship. You need to remember when in a relationship that it is not always just about you. Your actions can affect your partner just as much as they affect you.
Communication! Communication! Communication, always keep it open and going never let it die! Communication skills to not happen overnight. It takes a lot of hard work on both partners end and it continues throughout your entire relationship.
Never ever lie, it is better to tell the truth and take what happens and work it out because nine out of ten times if you do lie it will come back and bite you in the ass and your trust goes right out the window. Remember without trust there really is no relationship.
Never act like you are better than your partner, you may be better educated or be better off financially but do not ever flaunt it. You need to remember you are a couple not just two individuals. Have respect for one another and always respect each others privacy. Never plaster your disagreements or spats on social media. Do not post photo's that are embarrassing. Once it is out there, it is out there forever and you can not take it back.
When you get into a fight and you will (don't believe someone when they tell you that they never fight everyone does one time or another) do not go running to family members and tell them all the details. The reason I am telling you this is because you will makeup and everything will be fine, however, your family members will remember every word you said about your partner and every time they see your partner they are going to remember what you said. So keep your family members out of the personal parts of your relationship. Over time if you continue running to family members their attitude towards your partner is going to change. If they had a good relationship they no longer will.
One Major thing to remember is in order for your relationship to thrive you have to constantly keep working on it. You need to keep it fresh and exciting.
By Mickie L Tracy
Tuesday 15 April 2014
Monday 14 April 2014
How to Live With Your Roommate
We have all been there. Whether it be in college, a job, or just trying to make ends meet, we needed someone to help with the bills. You put out word to your friends, family, or internet that you are looking for a roommate. Luckily, you find one and they seemed to be a nice person. So you let them move in and after a while problems start to arise. You do not know what to do and need some help. Well, here are some simple steps that can help you solve those pesky problems.
These are just a few broad steps that can help roommates co-exist together in harmony or make your life better.
By Tyler Craft
- Sit down with the roommate and discuss the problem. The problem could be like eating your food, using your shampoo, or playing music too loud. For more serious problems like dealing with rent or joint bills, follow your judgement and act accordingly.
- Make a plan with the roommate to stop it from happening again. A simple solution could be writing your name on the food that you buy or moving bathroom items into each others bedroom. Talk about what would happen if the problem continued and a way that both roommates benefit from the decision. A good example could be a money jar. Each time someone messes up, put a dollar in the jar for future bills.
- Do not pressure someone into a plan that does not suit them. It will only make matters worst and your life miserable.
- If it does continue, do not let it. Let them know that you both came to an agreement and that you are enforcing it. If it continues after that, let them know that they need to start searching for a new place.
- Talk to your roommate about the issue. If they are any of the issues listed above, talk to them when you find out about it. Not three months down the road.
- Create a strict plan on how to solve the problem. All issues should be solved quickly.
- If it continues after that, tell them that by the end of the following month, they will need to move out. If you are not stern with this, they will continue living there and the problem will persist.
- If the roommate is doing drugs or drinking excessively, first ask them to stop. If they continue afterwards, get a hold of a family member that will be willing to help them into rehab. Also, use your discretion on whether to let them continue living there or not after the rehab is finished.
- If you get abused, call the local Sheriff's department. They will arrest your roommate and put him in jail. That also will give you grounds to kick them out. In doing so, get a hold of their family to move the roommate's items out of the house.
- In any other serious situation, call the local Sheriff's department. They will help you with the problem.
These are just a few broad steps that can help roommates co-exist together in harmony or make your life better.
By Tyler Craft
Sunday 13 April 2014
The Phone Call From the Lonely Man
SOME time ago I received a phone call from a gentleman who need not be named, but one who had succumbed to a very common social issue that many people, and especially men, suffer from.
The issue was loneliness, but the deeper cause to this issue of isolation was a manifestation of a season of anxiety and depression.
This gentleman had reconciled within himself that the only way he could present himself adequately in social situations was as a strong and capable man, fully in control of his weaknesses. His premise was okay, until he found himself compromised and vulnerable and then, of course, he had nowhere to go for support.
This gentleman, we can call Tom, telephoned me, but only after he had received a revelation from God. That revelation was that his isolation was intrinsically part of the problem.
To receive help for his weakness he needed fellowship of other men; guys who had as their purpose to get beyond superficial talk, so as to talk about and especially listen into the deeper issues of life.
He needed other men not so much when he was strong but when he was feeling weak. He would only make himself available to be around others when he felt strong enough, but unfortunately that wasn't the time he needed them. He most needed others when he felt weak, compromised and vulnerable.
***
The telephone call went something like this:
"Hey Steve, God woke me this morning at 2 AM to tell me to get out of bed and go for a walk. I did so even though I was tired. While I was on the walk God told me that the reason I was feeling so weak was because I was so isolated. He told me that my problem and my solution were one and the same thing. 'To receive my power', he said, 'connect with other men when you are feeling weak. When you share yourself boldly and honestly I will be with you and I will use these men to heal you'."
On the phone, Tom told me, "Steve, it makes so much sense. I feel delivered." I replied, "It sounds like a miracle to me, Tom. Praise God."
***
When we feel weak we isolate, but that's the opposite of what we need. When we are vulnerable we need support. When we most want to isolate, that's the time we most need to connect with others.
By Steve Wickham
The issue was loneliness, but the deeper cause to this issue of isolation was a manifestation of a season of anxiety and depression.
This gentleman had reconciled within himself that the only way he could present himself adequately in social situations was as a strong and capable man, fully in control of his weaknesses. His premise was okay, until he found himself compromised and vulnerable and then, of course, he had nowhere to go for support.
This gentleman, we can call Tom, telephoned me, but only after he had received a revelation from God. That revelation was that his isolation was intrinsically part of the problem.
To receive help for his weakness he needed fellowship of other men; guys who had as their purpose to get beyond superficial talk, so as to talk about and especially listen into the deeper issues of life.
He needed other men not so much when he was strong but when he was feeling weak. He would only make himself available to be around others when he felt strong enough, but unfortunately that wasn't the time he needed them. He most needed others when he felt weak, compromised and vulnerable.
***
The telephone call went something like this:
"Hey Steve, God woke me this morning at 2 AM to tell me to get out of bed and go for a walk. I did so even though I was tired. While I was on the walk God told me that the reason I was feeling so weak was because I was so isolated. He told me that my problem and my solution were one and the same thing. 'To receive my power', he said, 'connect with other men when you are feeling weak. When you share yourself boldly and honestly I will be with you and I will use these men to heal you'."
On the phone, Tom told me, "Steve, it makes so much sense. I feel delivered." I replied, "It sounds like a miracle to me, Tom. Praise God."
***
When we feel weak we isolate, but that's the opposite of what we need. When we are vulnerable we need support. When we most want to isolate, that's the time we most need to connect with others.
By Steve Wickham
Saturday 12 April 2014
Empathy in Loving Relationships
Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. With the growth of brain science and research we now know that humans have mirror neurons that allow us to have a sense of what others are feeling. In essence, we see another, imagine what they may be feeling, which is then mirrored in our brain. Our body unconsciously mimics the facial expression or body posture of the other person, we then respond on an emotional level and make an offer of assistance of one sort or another.
Despite these mirror neurons, not all people are able to resonate with understanding about what another is feeling. There are sometimes medical reasons for this (e.g. Mental illness, Autism etc). Growing up in a family that does not readily express emotion or show empathy overtly to others is another reason that one's empathic responses may be underdeveloped. The most common reason for a lack of empathy is the negative cycle that couples can fall into when their needs are not being met.
When we have a sense that our partner is not emotionally there for us our brains fire an alarm signal (the same way it would if we were face to face with a tiger) and we go into survival mode -- fight (pursuit), flee (withdraw) or freeze. These survival tactics, while absolutely necessary to help us when there is danger, do not allow us to connect to our partner in a way that will calm the alarm. A negative feedback cycle develops that has both partners alarm bells blaring and keeps them from being able to be truly present for each other. When we are preoccupied with survival (becoming hyper vigilant for threats and managing fear) we are unable to take in and care about our partner's upset or distress. Empathy is simply not possible in this state and the deep connection that is yearned for in relationship is missed.
Brené Brown showed a wonderful animated short in her Power of Vulnerability Ted Talk in 2012. She elegantly shows us exactly what empathy looks and feels like. Enjoy! Please follow this link to Brené Brown's animated short: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
The good news is that empathy and deep connection is something that couples can develop. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy helps couples unravel the patterns that have gotten them caught and keeps them in this fear/reactive cycle. Understanding one's stance in the cycle as well as the emotions and needs lurking below begins to soothe distressed feelings and allows couples to explore new ways of approaching each other that bring them closer rather than sending them scurrying in different directions.
To read other relationship articles click here and learn about all of the ways you and your partner can create a stronger and more vibrant relationship.
By Catherine Morris
Despite these mirror neurons, not all people are able to resonate with understanding about what another is feeling. There are sometimes medical reasons for this (e.g. Mental illness, Autism etc). Growing up in a family that does not readily express emotion or show empathy overtly to others is another reason that one's empathic responses may be underdeveloped. The most common reason for a lack of empathy is the negative cycle that couples can fall into when their needs are not being met.
When we have a sense that our partner is not emotionally there for us our brains fire an alarm signal (the same way it would if we were face to face with a tiger) and we go into survival mode -- fight (pursuit), flee (withdraw) or freeze. These survival tactics, while absolutely necessary to help us when there is danger, do not allow us to connect to our partner in a way that will calm the alarm. A negative feedback cycle develops that has both partners alarm bells blaring and keeps them from being able to be truly present for each other. When we are preoccupied with survival (becoming hyper vigilant for threats and managing fear) we are unable to take in and care about our partner's upset or distress. Empathy is simply not possible in this state and the deep connection that is yearned for in relationship is missed.
Brené Brown showed a wonderful animated short in her Power of Vulnerability Ted Talk in 2012. She elegantly shows us exactly what empathy looks and feels like. Enjoy! Please follow this link to Brené Brown's animated short: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
The good news is that empathy and deep connection is something that couples can develop. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy helps couples unravel the patterns that have gotten them caught and keeps them in this fear/reactive cycle. Understanding one's stance in the cycle as well as the emotions and needs lurking below begins to soothe distressed feelings and allows couples to explore new ways of approaching each other that bring them closer rather than sending them scurrying in different directions.
To read other relationship articles click here and learn about all of the ways you and your partner can create a stronger and more vibrant relationship.
By Catherine Morris
Friday 11 April 2014
7 Secrets for a Happier and Stronger Relationship
- Prioritize time together. Happy couples make time to be together. Take 10 minutes out of your day every day and talk with your partner. This is not the time to try and solve your issues or the world's problems - just take these few minutes as an opportunity to catch up on each other's lives.
- Understand what makes your partner tick. Be tuned into what makes your partner happy and perhaps, just as importantly, what makes them angry. Know each other's "hot buttons" and avoid them. Talk candidly to one another and be honest with your feelings.
- Secret Couple Language: Create a secret look or non-verbal signal that means something special only to the two of you. It could be something subtle to let your partner know that you want to leave somewhere without hurting people's feelings or possibly even escape to the bedroom for some intimate time. These secret signals will strengthen your emotional bond and bring you closer together.
- Have Sex - No excuses! Couples in the strongest relationships have sex on a regular basis. A healthy sex life brings you and your partner closer together. So, as Nike says: just do it!
- Know how to transition from problems to passion! Happy couples will find ways to get out of the groove of their serious day to day life and get back into playful mode. Something as simple as swatting your partner's butt as they cook dinner or snuggling up next to them while they finish up some work could make a huge difference. It's fun to have silly moments that break your partner out of their hectic lives and bring you closer together and bring the fun back into your relationship. Let go of the serious grind of life and be playful - just because...
- Be Grateful. Take pleasure in the simple things in life and be grateful for each other. Remember those everyday tasks your partner gets done, but you don't always thank them for it? Thank them! Let them know you appreciate every little thing they do for you. Maybe making dinner every night or walking the dog every morning - whatever it may be - tell your partner how much you appreciate those mundane little tasks. It will serve as a reminder to them just how important they are to you - and how much you care. (No one wants to be taken for granted!)
- Have a Sense of Humor & LAUGH!! This is perhaps the most important tip on this list. No matter what life throws your way, couples should always remember to laugh together. Being able to take things lightly and shrug off the small stuff will make those big issues that much easier to deal with. Live, laugh, and love.
Thursday 10 April 2014
How Can Someone Know If Their Relationships Are Dysfunctional?
There are people on this planet who are experiencing relationships that are functional and healthy. This might be how it has always been, or it could be the result of them making certain changes throughout their life.
On the other side of the spectrum will be people who are currently experiencing relationships that are dysfunctional and unhealthy. And while this may be the result of what has happened in their later life, it could be something they have experienced more or less their whole lives.
Normal
So no matter what ones relationships are like, they are likely to be what are classed as normal. If ones relationships are fulfilling, then one can feel grateful; that's if they were to even think about how things are for them.
When one has experienced something for a while or for their whole life, it can be easy to take it for granted. It is then ignored and instead of realising how fortunate one is, one can focus on what they haven't got for instance.
And if ones relationships are not fulfilling, one can feel like a victim or that they have no control. There is the chance that one will do something, and yet they might just put up with how things are.
How life Is
If one is in a position where they have always experienced healthy relationships, they might believe that this is how life is. And that everyone else has relationships that are as fulfilling as theirs.
And if one has always had relationships with others that are not fulfilling or just when it relates to the opposite sex for instance, they might also believe that this is how life is. They could believe that everyone else is in the same position as them or just not place too much attention on people who are experiencing life differently.
The Challenge
So while some people will be aware of the fact that their relationships are not healthy and therefore have the chance to do something about it, there are also going to be people who are not aware of how dysfunctional their relationships are.
And like the fish that doesn't know it's in water, one will have relationships that they don't realise are unhealthy. This is not to say that one will be in denial about how things are, they can be only too familiar with pain and drama.
What is can mean is that one has not come to the conscious realisation that their relationships are not healthy. As a result of this, one is unable to know that there are other ways for relationships to be.
Experiences
The experiences that one has had with people will have created a certain outlook about what relationships are like. These will have shaped ones personal beliefs about relationships and about their own value.
So if one has only experienced relationships that are abusive, controlling, manipulative, cold and neglectful for instance, then this is going to be classed as the 'truth' to their ego mind. And what the ego mind sees as the truth will define how one experiences life.
Anything that goes against the ego minds ideas will be filtered out in some way. What the mind sees is what is classed as familiar, and what is familiar is what is safe. However, what is classed safe could be harmful and detrimental to ones wellbeing.
The Prison
One can then end up living in a self created prison and the chance of seeing reality differently becomes impossible. In order for one's mind to see that there are other ways for relationships to be, one will need to expose themselves to things that will make their mind think differently.
For as long as one's mind is not challenged, one will continue to think in the same way and to therefore experience life in the same.
Information
When new information is taken on board, it will be like a new seed that is planted; at first very little will occur, but as time passes, growth will appear. What this new information does, is create an inner contrast.
And no matter what ones relationships are like, when they have seen that they can be different, there is hope. What this then gives someone is the belief that change is possible and that they don't have to put up with how things are.
But without these new reference points, one would be trapped in the prison that their mind has created over the years. This doesn't mean that everything will change overnight or that it even needs to, what matters is that a new seed has been planted.
New Reference points
It is clear that these new reference points won't just appear in one's mind, they need to be created. And this is going to mean that one needs to do things they wouldn't usually do. Although one will need to accept how things are, it doesn't mean that they have to see their life as anything other than feedback.
Their outer world is simply mirroring back what is taking place within them. One way to create new reference points is to read books on relationships; this will alter ones inner model. Another way is to consciously look for people who have good relationships.
Ones childhood years play a big role in what their relationships are like as an adult. So looking into what took place here and questioning the beliefs that were formed, as well as processing any emotional pain, will make a difference.
Awareness
Books can be read and courses can be taken, as well as reaching out for the support of a therapist, healer or a coach. The main thing is that one changes their inner model of what relationships are like and how they deserve to be treated.
By Oliver J R Cooper
On the other side of the spectrum will be people who are currently experiencing relationships that are dysfunctional and unhealthy. And while this may be the result of what has happened in their later life, it could be something they have experienced more or less their whole lives.
Normal
So no matter what ones relationships are like, they are likely to be what are classed as normal. If ones relationships are fulfilling, then one can feel grateful; that's if they were to even think about how things are for them.
When one has experienced something for a while or for their whole life, it can be easy to take it for granted. It is then ignored and instead of realising how fortunate one is, one can focus on what they haven't got for instance.
And if ones relationships are not fulfilling, one can feel like a victim or that they have no control. There is the chance that one will do something, and yet they might just put up with how things are.
How life Is
If one is in a position where they have always experienced healthy relationships, they might believe that this is how life is. And that everyone else has relationships that are as fulfilling as theirs.
And if one has always had relationships with others that are not fulfilling or just when it relates to the opposite sex for instance, they might also believe that this is how life is. They could believe that everyone else is in the same position as them or just not place too much attention on people who are experiencing life differently.
The Challenge
So while some people will be aware of the fact that their relationships are not healthy and therefore have the chance to do something about it, there are also going to be people who are not aware of how dysfunctional their relationships are.
And like the fish that doesn't know it's in water, one will have relationships that they don't realise are unhealthy. This is not to say that one will be in denial about how things are, they can be only too familiar with pain and drama.
What is can mean is that one has not come to the conscious realisation that their relationships are not healthy. As a result of this, one is unable to know that there are other ways for relationships to be.
Experiences
The experiences that one has had with people will have created a certain outlook about what relationships are like. These will have shaped ones personal beliefs about relationships and about their own value.
So if one has only experienced relationships that are abusive, controlling, manipulative, cold and neglectful for instance, then this is going to be classed as the 'truth' to their ego mind. And what the ego mind sees as the truth will define how one experiences life.
Anything that goes against the ego minds ideas will be filtered out in some way. What the mind sees is what is classed as familiar, and what is familiar is what is safe. However, what is classed safe could be harmful and detrimental to ones wellbeing.
The Prison
One can then end up living in a self created prison and the chance of seeing reality differently becomes impossible. In order for one's mind to see that there are other ways for relationships to be, one will need to expose themselves to things that will make their mind think differently.
For as long as one's mind is not challenged, one will continue to think in the same way and to therefore experience life in the same.
Information
When new information is taken on board, it will be like a new seed that is planted; at first very little will occur, but as time passes, growth will appear. What this new information does, is create an inner contrast.
And no matter what ones relationships are like, when they have seen that they can be different, there is hope. What this then gives someone is the belief that change is possible and that they don't have to put up with how things are.
But without these new reference points, one would be trapped in the prison that their mind has created over the years. This doesn't mean that everything will change overnight or that it even needs to, what matters is that a new seed has been planted.
New Reference points
It is clear that these new reference points won't just appear in one's mind, they need to be created. And this is going to mean that one needs to do things they wouldn't usually do. Although one will need to accept how things are, it doesn't mean that they have to see their life as anything other than feedback.
Their outer world is simply mirroring back what is taking place within them. One way to create new reference points is to read books on relationships; this will alter ones inner model. Another way is to consciously look for people who have good relationships.
Ones childhood years play a big role in what their relationships are like as an adult. So looking into what took place here and questioning the beliefs that were formed, as well as processing any emotional pain, will make a difference.
Awareness
Books can be read and courses can be taken, as well as reaching out for the support of a therapist, healer or a coach. The main thing is that one changes their inner model of what relationships are like and how they deserve to be treated.
By Oliver J R Cooper
Wednesday 9 April 2014
How to Propose to Your Man
The ever-evolving dynamics of relationships, weddings and marriage has opened up a world of opportunity where conformity and social propriety are no longer a couple's main concern. Most relationships are far more equal and less dependent than they were even just a few decades ago. Therefore, embrace the change and consider proposing to your man instead of putting the socially perceived responsibility on him. However, you might want to consider a few factors when venturing into this potentially new territory of proposal ideas.
Anything Goes
While most women, from an early age are introduced to the Disney, and then Hollywood, dream ideal of how to propose, this has probably not been as significant in your man's life. Perhaps they noticed it briefly in any of the romantic comedies they have seen, but did it compel them to dream about perfect proposal ideas or construct complete fantasy scenarios in their minds? It is safe to say that the answer is probably not. So, this ultimately works in your favour, as he will not have any preconceived notions of 'how it should be' and there is little chance of disappointing him. Plus, the element of surprise is it that bit easier to achieve when it is the lady doing the proposing.
Keep It Simple
Not to be sexist or anything but it is a widely regarded notion, and I think most women would agree, that men are somewhat less complicated than women. Most men would probably appreciate a more simple approach to a proposal, as opposed to a long drawn out and convoluted one that just takes forever to get to the point. Be fun, be creative and don't go too heavy on the sentimental romantic elements. Think about inviting him to join you on a lifetime of love, laughter and adventure together.
Play to his Interests
Just like you would probably hope he would do for you, play to his personality and interests and show him how well you know and love him. Make it memorable by incorporating his favourite sports, movies, hobbies or activities. Interests that you both have in common and enjoy doing together are an ideal source of perfect proposal ideas.
And a Small Word of Caution
Although you are probably both perfectly comfortable in your relationship and would not see anything wrong or strange about you proposing to your man, his friends, family, co-workers and even society in general maybe be a little slower in their acceptance of it. Therefore, it may be better not to make a big public display of the proposal. It is also important to be sure to accurately anticipate your man's feelings towards what you are about to do. You certainly don't want to leave the occasion with him feeling like you 'stole his thunder'.
By Laura L Bolick
Anything Goes
While most women, from an early age are introduced to the Disney, and then Hollywood, dream ideal of how to propose, this has probably not been as significant in your man's life. Perhaps they noticed it briefly in any of the romantic comedies they have seen, but did it compel them to dream about perfect proposal ideas or construct complete fantasy scenarios in their minds? It is safe to say that the answer is probably not. So, this ultimately works in your favour, as he will not have any preconceived notions of 'how it should be' and there is little chance of disappointing him. Plus, the element of surprise is it that bit easier to achieve when it is the lady doing the proposing.
Keep It Simple
Not to be sexist or anything but it is a widely regarded notion, and I think most women would agree, that men are somewhat less complicated than women. Most men would probably appreciate a more simple approach to a proposal, as opposed to a long drawn out and convoluted one that just takes forever to get to the point. Be fun, be creative and don't go too heavy on the sentimental romantic elements. Think about inviting him to join you on a lifetime of love, laughter and adventure together.
Play to his Interests
Just like you would probably hope he would do for you, play to his personality and interests and show him how well you know and love him. Make it memorable by incorporating his favourite sports, movies, hobbies or activities. Interests that you both have in common and enjoy doing together are an ideal source of perfect proposal ideas.
And a Small Word of Caution
Although you are probably both perfectly comfortable in your relationship and would not see anything wrong or strange about you proposing to your man, his friends, family, co-workers and even society in general maybe be a little slower in their acceptance of it. Therefore, it may be better not to make a big public display of the proposal. It is also important to be sure to accurately anticipate your man's feelings towards what you are about to do. You certainly don't want to leave the occasion with him feeling like you 'stole his thunder'.
By Laura L Bolick
Tuesday 8 April 2014
Top 3 Seriously Outrageous Proposal Ideas
It cannot be denied that there is a whole lot riding on your decision on how to propose. You can try to alleviate some of this insane pressure by deciding that there is just one way to go and one only; go big, and the bigger the better. Throw all those worries and inhibitions to the wind and let your creative juices flow. Here are the top three most outrageous ways to pop that simple four word question, and just remember that the sky's the limit.
Every Girl Loves a Bad Boy
Apparently, one of the most popular proposal ideas out there today (and you know this was thought up by a man) is to arrange to get yourself arrested. Now this should preferably be a pre-arranged fake arrest that makes use of any connections that you might have with the boys in blue. For the ultimate impact, try to arrange a high-speed car chase (NOT during rush hour) with multiple panda cars in pursuit.
When they finally take you down and slap the handcuffs on you, your girlfriend should be somewhere between flustered and hysterical. Have the arresting officer declare (loud enough so she can hear it) that you are under arrest for being desperately in love with 'insert-girlfriend's-name'. Have them read you your rights (which you have edited in preparation for the event) to love and cherish her for all eternity. Sounds like fun, right? How could she say 'No'?
Flash Mob Style
OK, so it has been done before but the overall impact remains suitably impressive. When figuring out how to propose, the key elements that will probably secure an affirmative answer are originality, personalisation and creativity. This is where the idea of organising a flash mob comes into its own. The whole spectacle including the soundtrack, choreography and location can be intimately customised to reflect significant elements in your relationship combines with your girlfriend's specific interests.
The best way to go about organising this truly epic and impressive event is to use one of the performing arts groups that offer this as a service. This is probably not something that your everyday novice can knock together with a few mates from the pub, the postman and that lady from the laundrette, so go with the pros and your bride-to-be will be duly wowed.
Propose Among the Stars
If public dance sessions or warrants for your arrest simply do not do justice to the depth of your love, there is one, probably the biggest and the best, proposal idea to consider. Why not shoot for the stars, literally?
For the bargain price of just £310k you can book two seats on the very first commercial flight into outer space. This package deal will secure you luxury accommodation prior to your flight at the various training facilities around the world, located in places such as the Swiss Alps, the Caribbean and Morocco. It's like killing two birds with one stone; be among the world's first pioneer astronauts and propose to your loved one while orbiting Earth. This one has top points for its wow factor.
By Laura L Bolick
Every Girl Loves a Bad Boy
Apparently, one of the most popular proposal ideas out there today (and you know this was thought up by a man) is to arrange to get yourself arrested. Now this should preferably be a pre-arranged fake arrest that makes use of any connections that you might have with the boys in blue. For the ultimate impact, try to arrange a high-speed car chase (NOT during rush hour) with multiple panda cars in pursuit.
When they finally take you down and slap the handcuffs on you, your girlfriend should be somewhere between flustered and hysterical. Have the arresting officer declare (loud enough so she can hear it) that you are under arrest for being desperately in love with 'insert-girlfriend's-name'. Have them read you your rights (which you have edited in preparation for the event) to love and cherish her for all eternity. Sounds like fun, right? How could she say 'No'?
Flash Mob Style
OK, so it has been done before but the overall impact remains suitably impressive. When figuring out how to propose, the key elements that will probably secure an affirmative answer are originality, personalisation and creativity. This is where the idea of organising a flash mob comes into its own. The whole spectacle including the soundtrack, choreography and location can be intimately customised to reflect significant elements in your relationship combines with your girlfriend's specific interests.
The best way to go about organising this truly epic and impressive event is to use one of the performing arts groups that offer this as a service. This is probably not something that your everyday novice can knock together with a few mates from the pub, the postman and that lady from the laundrette, so go with the pros and your bride-to-be will be duly wowed.
Propose Among the Stars
If public dance sessions or warrants for your arrest simply do not do justice to the depth of your love, there is one, probably the biggest and the best, proposal idea to consider. Why not shoot for the stars, literally?
For the bargain price of just £310k you can book two seats on the very first commercial flight into outer space. This package deal will secure you luxury accommodation prior to your flight at the various training facilities around the world, located in places such as the Swiss Alps, the Caribbean and Morocco. It's like killing two birds with one stone; be among the world's first pioneer astronauts and propose to your loved one while orbiting Earth. This one has top points for its wow factor.
By Laura L Bolick
Monday 7 April 2014
Making It Clear What You Hold Dear
Silence broods,
Silly little moods,
Seems there's a problem right here,
Not sure what to do,
Challenge what's true?
Whatever, just challenge the fear.
***
We can very well understand why people enter into the resistance of passive aggressiveness. It may be the only way they know how to respond. Or, it might be the choice of response, given both their conflict management style and the history they share with the other party - who could be us!
It's a good thing to quietly, proactively challenge the presence of passive aggressiveness - either indirectly or directly; whichever way may peaceably work.
Being passive aggressive - smiling through gritted teeth - is a relational nemesis. We need to build a bridge of reconciliation if we are to realise God's will between two people.
***
The poem at top is best understood by the arrangement of the cold shoulder against us, or maybe propagated by us. Silence broods between two parties and it may not initially be all that perceptible, but it's there alright. (We have to be careful, also, just to make sure that we aren't reading relational dynamics that aren't there.)
What underlies the silence is a 'silly little mood', but all these so-called moods are generated for rational reasons that are justifiable from the person's viewpoint that holds them. We might call them moods, but they are better described as attitudinal plans deployed.
The moment of acceptance is the moment of realisation; a problem exists, but now what to do? Do we challenge what is true? Is it a real problem they or we have? Whatever the issue, there is an unhealthy dynamic that can be challenged, if that can be done in love. Sometimes we need to bow to a relational dynamic that won't easily be fixed. But at other times we can ask from a gentle, even submissively assertive standpoint, "Are we okay?"
***
Making it clear what we hold dear is the responsible way of operating relationally in life. What point is there in holding onto matters of conflict when those matters might be resolved toward peace?
Getting to a point in strained relationships where we can call the conflict for what it is; that's a brave move - risky to a point - but where there's no risk to make the relationship better it will become no better.
Being clear about where we stand with others, and allowing them to communicate their feelings in clarity; this is what's needed.
Clear communication is about honesty and trust, and both involve courage.
By Steve Wickham
Silly little moods,
Seems there's a problem right here,
Not sure what to do,
Challenge what's true?
Whatever, just challenge the fear.
***
We can very well understand why people enter into the resistance of passive aggressiveness. It may be the only way they know how to respond. Or, it might be the choice of response, given both their conflict management style and the history they share with the other party - who could be us!
It's a good thing to quietly, proactively challenge the presence of passive aggressiveness - either indirectly or directly; whichever way may peaceably work.
Being passive aggressive - smiling through gritted teeth - is a relational nemesis. We need to build a bridge of reconciliation if we are to realise God's will between two people.
***
The poem at top is best understood by the arrangement of the cold shoulder against us, or maybe propagated by us. Silence broods between two parties and it may not initially be all that perceptible, but it's there alright. (We have to be careful, also, just to make sure that we aren't reading relational dynamics that aren't there.)
What underlies the silence is a 'silly little mood', but all these so-called moods are generated for rational reasons that are justifiable from the person's viewpoint that holds them. We might call them moods, but they are better described as attitudinal plans deployed.
The moment of acceptance is the moment of realisation; a problem exists, but now what to do? Do we challenge what is true? Is it a real problem they or we have? Whatever the issue, there is an unhealthy dynamic that can be challenged, if that can be done in love. Sometimes we need to bow to a relational dynamic that won't easily be fixed. But at other times we can ask from a gentle, even submissively assertive standpoint, "Are we okay?"
***
Making it clear what we hold dear is the responsible way of operating relationally in life. What point is there in holding onto matters of conflict when those matters might be resolved toward peace?
Getting to a point in strained relationships where we can call the conflict for what it is; that's a brave move - risky to a point - but where there's no risk to make the relationship better it will become no better.
Being clear about where we stand with others, and allowing them to communicate their feelings in clarity; this is what's needed.
Clear communication is about honesty and trust, and both involve courage.
By Steve Wickham
Sunday 6 April 2014
Forgiveness, Transcending Your Hurt Humanity
"To err is human, to forgive, divine."
~ Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
INCIDENT investigation is something I have become a past master at; to strip apart an event, ascertain and acknowledge with others all of the facts, and identify everything that didn't go according to plan, including those things we didn't foresee.
Part of the whole process is to get away from a blame culture; to err is human. We err in so many ways.
In regards to the unsavoury things of life in - yes, relational things, where conflict abounds - we are granted our emotions. God gave us emotions for a very good reason; in order to discern intelligently. But too much emotion lacks intelligence due to our fallen nature; to err is human.
Whenever we propagate thought of being human, when it comes to the emotions, we inevitably arrive at fatigue. It is unsustainable. Human emotions will run us up upon the dry land of tiredness.
We reach the end of ourselves which is where God might finally begin.
Eventually the Lord is heard to say in that still, small voice: "Have you had enough yet? Do you want to try another, better way?"
Much of our humanity is sick of the limits of our humanity. We hate being flawed, and even if we thought we were not flawed we still have to bear thought for what others think about us.
Transcending our humanity we focus on thinking as God would think.
We are able to transcend our erring nature if we are prepared to surrender in order to align with the divine; the divine way. What have we to lose? Our independence? The truth is our independence has cost us so much already, when dependence on God may only cost us our independence, and gain for us the eternal peace of a sustainable way.
To err is human, to forgive, divine.
Within divinity is power in and through us in the name of God, for the glory of God. It is power in and through them also, for God could not abide in giving power partially.
There is no partiality in God, and so if there is to be any blessing for us, there must be blessing for others, too.
To be in relationship with God is the perfect opportunity to transcend, even occasionally, our erring humanity; to trust God enough to be empowered to forgive.
The key is, and always will be, surrender.
When we realise our independence of humanity takes us down dark roads, erring roads, we can sense another burgeoning opportunity: to go with full abandon toward the Lord our God; our Creator, who knows our broken beings better than anyone. We need God if life is to work.
***
To err is human,
To forgive, divine,
When we surrender,
With God we align.
By Steve Wickham
~ Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
INCIDENT investigation is something I have become a past master at; to strip apart an event, ascertain and acknowledge with others all of the facts, and identify everything that didn't go according to plan, including those things we didn't foresee.
Part of the whole process is to get away from a blame culture; to err is human. We err in so many ways.
In regards to the unsavoury things of life in - yes, relational things, where conflict abounds - we are granted our emotions. God gave us emotions for a very good reason; in order to discern intelligently. But too much emotion lacks intelligence due to our fallen nature; to err is human.
Whenever we propagate thought of being human, when it comes to the emotions, we inevitably arrive at fatigue. It is unsustainable. Human emotions will run us up upon the dry land of tiredness.
We reach the end of ourselves which is where God might finally begin.
Eventually the Lord is heard to say in that still, small voice: "Have you had enough yet? Do you want to try another, better way?"
Much of our humanity is sick of the limits of our humanity. We hate being flawed, and even if we thought we were not flawed we still have to bear thought for what others think about us.
Transcending our humanity we focus on thinking as God would think.
We are able to transcend our erring nature if we are prepared to surrender in order to align with the divine; the divine way. What have we to lose? Our independence? The truth is our independence has cost us so much already, when dependence on God may only cost us our independence, and gain for us the eternal peace of a sustainable way.
To err is human, to forgive, divine.
Within divinity is power in and through us in the name of God, for the glory of God. It is power in and through them also, for God could not abide in giving power partially.
There is no partiality in God, and so if there is to be any blessing for us, there must be blessing for others, too.
To be in relationship with God is the perfect opportunity to transcend, even occasionally, our erring humanity; to trust God enough to be empowered to forgive.
The key is, and always will be, surrender.
When we realise our independence of humanity takes us down dark roads, erring roads, we can sense another burgeoning opportunity: to go with full abandon toward the Lord our God; our Creator, who knows our broken beings better than anyone. We need God if life is to work.
***
To err is human,
To forgive, divine,
When we surrender,
With God we align.
By Steve Wickham
Saturday 5 April 2014
Why Do Some People Need Others To Tell Them What To Do?
When a relationships ends, there is the chance that it will lead to one experiencing a lot of emotional pain. There is also the chance that one will be quiet happy with what has happened and although there may be a mild sense of loss for example, they will soon settle down and be on their way.
It will depend on numerous factors as to how one feels when they experience the end of a relationship. Just because their relationship has finished, it doesn't mean that it hadn't finished a long time ago.
Different Reasons
One could have physically been with the other person, but mentally and emotionally checked out for instance. Perhaps it had come to its natural end and one knew that it would end soon.
There is also the chance that the relationship they were in was nothing more than a rebound. And as they hadn't let go of their previous relationship/s, they were unable to fully embrace the other person. So whether they are in this person life is then irrelevant, as they are still caught up in the past.
The Past
When the emotional pain of one's past has not been processed, it can reappear when one experiences conflict in a relationship, and when one comes to an end. This emotional pain would have been trapped in one's body and then all it takes to come to the surface is an internal or external trigger.
This could pain could be from previous relationships, the loss of a loved one or a pet and/or their childhood. Each of these represents a time that has passed; what has remained is the pain that wasn't processed
Associations
The ego mind works by association and this means that when something happens in the present, it will search ones history to find other occurrences that are similar. So one will then be reminded of the times that they experienced any kind of loss in their life.
This whole process can happen unconsciously, but while one might not be aware of the memories that have been located, they will be aware of the feelings, thoughts and sensations that these memories trigger. However, if the emotional charge was no longer in these memories, one wouldn't experience the same amount of pain.
If the pain was processed, the mind could associate what was happening now to past experiences and very little would happen. It would just be a memory and there would be nothing to pull one in.
Loss
So this all comes down to loss and while meeting someone and gradually getting close to them is pleasurable and fulfilling, what usually has a bigger impact on one's life is when a relationship ends. There are at least two reasons for why this is; one goes back many, many years ago and the other goes back to ones childhood.
During the time when humans were living in caves, it was important that they had enough food. It wasn't important that they had more than they needed; having enough was all that mattered. If they lost what they needed, it could have resulted in death.
And during ones childhood, being abandoned or left alone at a certain age would feel like death. At this age, one wouldn't have had the ability to regulate their emotional experience or to survive by themselves. Loss would have been over overwhelming and felt like the end of the world.
External Factors
So this relates to ones inner experience and what can be taking place within. But while a breakup can be painful due to ones history and what loss means to the ego mind, there are also external factors involved.
Just as the mind will look for situations in ones past that match up with their current loss, it will also have formed associations around everything in their environment. And a lot of these associations are going to relate to the experiences one had with the person they were in a relationship with.
Meaning
Before one was in a relationship with the other person, ones environment would have had different meanings. But through being around them, new meanings would have been created. This can include: where ones lives; where they used to go together; the people they used to spend time with and different objects.
And all the time one spends their time in these places, around these people or has these objects around them, they will be reminded of the other person. And this can make it harder for one to take their mind off the other person, let alone to move on.
Moving On
So in order to move on from a breakup, one could let go of some of the external factors that are keeping their mind focused on the other person. In some cases, it might be necessary for one to change where they live in order move on. And other times, just taking a break from where they live for a few days, weeks or every now and then might be enough.
The places that one used to visit with the other person might be best avoided for a while; until their mind has settled down. One might not want to see certain people for a while and this is understandable. There could also be an item of clothing or a certain price of jewellery that will one need to be let go off or put to one side for a while.
Awareness
These are just a few ideas of what can keep one's mind focused on another person when a breakup has taken place. The best approach will be for one to think about what it is in their environment that reminds them of the other person. And based on this observation, one can decide what the best course of action is.
Reaching out for support during this time will also be important. This could be through having a friend to talk to or seeking the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach for instance.
Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."
By Oliver J R Cooper
It will depend on numerous factors as to how one feels when they experience the end of a relationship. Just because their relationship has finished, it doesn't mean that it hadn't finished a long time ago.
Different Reasons
One could have physically been with the other person, but mentally and emotionally checked out for instance. Perhaps it had come to its natural end and one knew that it would end soon.
There is also the chance that the relationship they were in was nothing more than a rebound. And as they hadn't let go of their previous relationship/s, they were unable to fully embrace the other person. So whether they are in this person life is then irrelevant, as they are still caught up in the past.
The Past
When the emotional pain of one's past has not been processed, it can reappear when one experiences conflict in a relationship, and when one comes to an end. This emotional pain would have been trapped in one's body and then all it takes to come to the surface is an internal or external trigger.
This could pain could be from previous relationships, the loss of a loved one or a pet and/or their childhood. Each of these represents a time that has passed; what has remained is the pain that wasn't processed
Associations
The ego mind works by association and this means that when something happens in the present, it will search ones history to find other occurrences that are similar. So one will then be reminded of the times that they experienced any kind of loss in their life.
This whole process can happen unconsciously, but while one might not be aware of the memories that have been located, they will be aware of the feelings, thoughts and sensations that these memories trigger. However, if the emotional charge was no longer in these memories, one wouldn't experience the same amount of pain.
If the pain was processed, the mind could associate what was happening now to past experiences and very little would happen. It would just be a memory and there would be nothing to pull one in.
Loss
So this all comes down to loss and while meeting someone and gradually getting close to them is pleasurable and fulfilling, what usually has a bigger impact on one's life is when a relationship ends. There are at least two reasons for why this is; one goes back many, many years ago and the other goes back to ones childhood.
During the time when humans were living in caves, it was important that they had enough food. It wasn't important that they had more than they needed; having enough was all that mattered. If they lost what they needed, it could have resulted in death.
And during ones childhood, being abandoned or left alone at a certain age would feel like death. At this age, one wouldn't have had the ability to regulate their emotional experience or to survive by themselves. Loss would have been over overwhelming and felt like the end of the world.
External Factors
So this relates to ones inner experience and what can be taking place within. But while a breakup can be painful due to ones history and what loss means to the ego mind, there are also external factors involved.
Just as the mind will look for situations in ones past that match up with their current loss, it will also have formed associations around everything in their environment. And a lot of these associations are going to relate to the experiences one had with the person they were in a relationship with.
Meaning
Before one was in a relationship with the other person, ones environment would have had different meanings. But through being around them, new meanings would have been created. This can include: where ones lives; where they used to go together; the people they used to spend time with and different objects.
And all the time one spends their time in these places, around these people or has these objects around them, they will be reminded of the other person. And this can make it harder for one to take their mind off the other person, let alone to move on.
Moving On
So in order to move on from a breakup, one could let go of some of the external factors that are keeping their mind focused on the other person. In some cases, it might be necessary for one to change where they live in order move on. And other times, just taking a break from where they live for a few days, weeks or every now and then might be enough.
The places that one used to visit with the other person might be best avoided for a while; until their mind has settled down. One might not want to see certain people for a while and this is understandable. There could also be an item of clothing or a certain price of jewellery that will one need to be let go off or put to one side for a while.
Awareness
These are just a few ideas of what can keep one's mind focused on another person when a breakup has taken place. The best approach will be for one to think about what it is in their environment that reminds them of the other person. And based on this observation, one can decide what the best course of action is.
Reaching out for support during this time will also be important. This could be through having a friend to talk to or seeking the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach for instance.
Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."
By Oliver J R Cooper
Friday 4 April 2014
Letting Go of What?
When one suffers a loss or heartbreak there is that constant advice from family, friends, and associates: "Just Let Go."
Let Go of WHAT???? People assume that because you have suffered a loss, they know your pain, and they know that letting go of what they have diagnosed as your pain will solve everything. Yes, the loss is the cause of your pain and suffering, but very few people ever immediately realize exactly what the loss actually is, or represents.
Loss is a very personal devastation, and often we ourselves are incapable of explaining that desolated state that we find ourselves in. For instance, in a broken relationship, the partner who left might have been the scum of the earth, took your life savings, abused you mentally and emotionally, but yet there was some attraction on your part, and there was a relationship between you and this person. Even if this person was treating you badly, you sincerely cared for this person.
Are you hurting because of the declarations of love that you fear will never be heard anymore, or are you hurting because you feel stupid for being conned? It does not matter. What they did or did not do no longer matters. It is now part of the past. All that matters is that you are hurting. Ultimately something has to change to stop the hurt. It is critical that you identify all that needs to be changed, and what exactly is it that you need to let go of in order to permanently effect those positive changes.
Letting go is not that easy if one is not certain of what one is letting go of. Instead of focusing on the loss of person, place, or thing, and instead of reliving the pain and anguish by telling your story over and over again, try something new. Take a break from the endless communication with others, and begin communicating with yourself. Stop rehashing the hurtful story. It is past. Rehashing it repeatedly makes the past your present. Instead, communicate with yourself. Analyze yourself. Work on building a relationship with yourself where you matter. Love yourself more, and learn more about yourself. Then perhaps you will not only discover what you need to let go of, but you may also discover it is much easier to let go. Perhaps the underlying cause is an emotional insecurity and/or vulnerability within yourself that you are trying to satisfy and fulfill with input from others. There is a lot of self-examination and critiquing to be done. Along with this, you must also engage in a lot of mental and physical pampering of yourself. There is a lot of self-loving to be done.
The time will finally when you can smile and truly understand it when you whisper to yourself the classic breakup line "It is not you, it is me". You will realize that indeed it was a void within yourself that you were trying to fill. Better yet, the time will come when you will have loved and nurtured yourself past the need to have your void filled, for there is no longer any void".
When you can comfortably smile and say to your past "It was not you, It was me", then you know you have let go. It really does not matter what you let go of; what matters is that you recognized and let go of the void or misguided desire, and instead filled it with love of self. You will achieved a tremendous and awesome feeling of freedom, one that merits a fantastic celebration. Go out and celebrate daily. Celebrate your new found contentment as you celebrate with your new best friend - yourself. Smile at the world as you smile with yourself.
By : Yvonne M Harris
Let Go of WHAT???? People assume that because you have suffered a loss, they know your pain, and they know that letting go of what they have diagnosed as your pain will solve everything. Yes, the loss is the cause of your pain and suffering, but very few people ever immediately realize exactly what the loss actually is, or represents.
Loss is a very personal devastation, and often we ourselves are incapable of explaining that desolated state that we find ourselves in. For instance, in a broken relationship, the partner who left might have been the scum of the earth, took your life savings, abused you mentally and emotionally, but yet there was some attraction on your part, and there was a relationship between you and this person. Even if this person was treating you badly, you sincerely cared for this person.
Are you hurting because of the declarations of love that you fear will never be heard anymore, or are you hurting because you feel stupid for being conned? It does not matter. What they did or did not do no longer matters. It is now part of the past. All that matters is that you are hurting. Ultimately something has to change to stop the hurt. It is critical that you identify all that needs to be changed, and what exactly is it that you need to let go of in order to permanently effect those positive changes.
Letting go is not that easy if one is not certain of what one is letting go of. Instead of focusing on the loss of person, place, or thing, and instead of reliving the pain and anguish by telling your story over and over again, try something new. Take a break from the endless communication with others, and begin communicating with yourself. Stop rehashing the hurtful story. It is past. Rehashing it repeatedly makes the past your present. Instead, communicate with yourself. Analyze yourself. Work on building a relationship with yourself where you matter. Love yourself more, and learn more about yourself. Then perhaps you will not only discover what you need to let go of, but you may also discover it is much easier to let go. Perhaps the underlying cause is an emotional insecurity and/or vulnerability within yourself that you are trying to satisfy and fulfill with input from others. There is a lot of self-examination and critiquing to be done. Along with this, you must also engage in a lot of mental and physical pampering of yourself. There is a lot of self-loving to be done.
The time will finally when you can smile and truly understand it when you whisper to yourself the classic breakup line "It is not you, it is me". You will realize that indeed it was a void within yourself that you were trying to fill. Better yet, the time will come when you will have loved and nurtured yourself past the need to have your void filled, for there is no longer any void".
When you can comfortably smile and say to your past "It was not you, It was me", then you know you have let go. It really does not matter what you let go of; what matters is that you recognized and let go of the void or misguided desire, and instead filled it with love of self. You will achieved a tremendous and awesome feeling of freedom, one that merits a fantastic celebration. Go out and celebrate daily. Celebrate your new found contentment as you celebrate with your new best friend - yourself. Smile at the world as you smile with yourself.
By : Yvonne M Harris
Thursday 3 April 2014
She Is a Woman, a Wife, a Butterfly
"She is more precious than jewels,
and nothing you desire can compare with her."
Proverbs 31:10
PROVERBS tells us that a good wife is from the LORD. Proverbs is equally scathing about the wife who has not nurtured virtue within herself. It is clear, however, that a wife is destined to be good for life, her husband's ally, a butterfly.
Butterflies are considered graceful by human comparison. They will land upon our hand if we are in a nursery full of them. They land daintily and flutter off just as serenely. They are gentle and sincere, and in their inner beings they are to be relied upon.
To a father his daughter is more precious than jewels. And her husband must understand this. Indeed, a woman's husband must take over from the father and actualize his wife, meaning that his desire is to ensure she flourishes to her potential.
A father has pride in his daughter, because he is charged by God to ensure she is cared for. The father takes this responsibility most seriously; he will answer to God one day about it. But from within his inner being he cannot but love the woman who was once a little girl, and to him, whilst he respects her womanhood, she will always be his little girl - a most delicate and delightful creature.
The girl who has grown into becoming a woman has her father's instinct; for men, for the risky situations of life, and for the protection afforded of a wise person's discernment. She is no fool. To receive her respect, her man, or any man, needs to prove he is worthy. She may be a butterfly but she is no pushover.
Nothing we can desire transcends the grace of the butterfly. She is God's gift to those in her life, and she has on offer many things which may only be admired.
When a girl becomes a woman and then becomes a wife, she then can become a matriarch. This was always her purpose. The matriarch is a butterfly; exemplifying humility and grace, and cutting through to the truth of matters. She is strength for herself and for others, too.
What is to become of a man in the presence of a butterfly? He can only benefit if he is wise. If he is discerning, life will go well for him as he holds her gently and respectfully in his hand.
***
A woman is like a butterfly, full of grace and gentle in every way. But she is no pushover and her strength is to be admired. A man needn't hold her too tight in his hand, for she will need to go and come back of her own volition. Like the butterfly, a woman is to be respected and appreciated for who she is.
By : Steve Wickham
and nothing you desire can compare with her."
Proverbs 31:10
PROVERBS tells us that a good wife is from the LORD. Proverbs is equally scathing about the wife who has not nurtured virtue within herself. It is clear, however, that a wife is destined to be good for life, her husband's ally, a butterfly.
Butterflies are considered graceful by human comparison. They will land upon our hand if we are in a nursery full of them. They land daintily and flutter off just as serenely. They are gentle and sincere, and in their inner beings they are to be relied upon.
To a father his daughter is more precious than jewels. And her husband must understand this. Indeed, a woman's husband must take over from the father and actualize his wife, meaning that his desire is to ensure she flourishes to her potential.
A father has pride in his daughter, because he is charged by God to ensure she is cared for. The father takes this responsibility most seriously; he will answer to God one day about it. But from within his inner being he cannot but love the woman who was once a little girl, and to him, whilst he respects her womanhood, she will always be his little girl - a most delicate and delightful creature.
The girl who has grown into becoming a woman has her father's instinct; for men, for the risky situations of life, and for the protection afforded of a wise person's discernment. She is no fool. To receive her respect, her man, or any man, needs to prove he is worthy. She may be a butterfly but she is no pushover.
Nothing we can desire transcends the grace of the butterfly. She is God's gift to those in her life, and she has on offer many things which may only be admired.
When a girl becomes a woman and then becomes a wife, she then can become a matriarch. This was always her purpose. The matriarch is a butterfly; exemplifying humility and grace, and cutting through to the truth of matters. She is strength for herself and for others, too.
What is to become of a man in the presence of a butterfly? He can only benefit if he is wise. If he is discerning, life will go well for him as he holds her gently and respectfully in his hand.
***
A woman is like a butterfly, full of grace and gentle in every way. But she is no pushover and her strength is to be admired. A man needn't hold her too tight in his hand, for she will need to go and come back of her own volition. Like the butterfly, a woman is to be respected and appreciated for who she is.
By : Steve Wickham
Wednesday 2 April 2014
Forgiveness, When You've Tried Everything Else
FATIGUE sets in as the coming of a sunset; though, not peaceful nor welcome. It's frustrating when you've tried everything else and nothing has worked. I wonder if this is God's intention: to allow us no satisfaction in attempting things our own way; all in order to show us that it's only his way that sustainably works, ever.
In a relational life, where we cannot get away from conflicted relationships and emotions and outcomes, we will rub up against seemingly irreconcilable states of thought and being.
We will all experience what it is like to feel betrayed, to land in the desert of disappointment, to know indignant envy at the injustices meted out to us in comparison to others, among the myriad life outcomes anyone could expect of life.
None of us will get it first time. None of us is born with a good grasp on grace. Everyone gets at least a taste of what it's like to react angrily to a world that just doesn't understand. In this way we are like islands; never really to be understood.
But this is where God has broken through. God has sent us an example: Jesus Christ. Through the Son of God and his exemplification of the grace to forgive every single injustice (and Jesus suffered significantly more injustice than we could ever suffer) we have the example.
The only way to move on effectively from the hurts of the world is to surrender them to God: "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." These words have tremendous power. No one would do what they are doing (or have done) to us if they were us - if they knew the truth behind their actions in the way it makes us feel. If they were us they would desist immediately. They know not what they do. They know not its true effects. Their actions are ignorant. They know only life from their angle of things. And pity them for not attempting to understand. This is why to the one with Christ is to love the other as ourselves; to treat people as we would like to be treated.
When a person cannot be expected to know what it is like to be me, how can I expect them to understand how betrayed I feel or how disappointed I am?
When we have tried everything else in dealing with our anger and resentment, surely forgiveness is worth a go. Surrendering ourselves to the Lord, we begin to understand what it is like for another person to not understand being us.
When we spend even a moment thinking of things from another's angle we begin to understand forgiveness. They know not what they do or have done to us. They can't be expected to know. But we can begin to understand them. And that's how we move toward forgiveness. Understand them.
By Steve Wickham
In a relational life, where we cannot get away from conflicted relationships and emotions and outcomes, we will rub up against seemingly irreconcilable states of thought and being.
We will all experience what it is like to feel betrayed, to land in the desert of disappointment, to know indignant envy at the injustices meted out to us in comparison to others, among the myriad life outcomes anyone could expect of life.
None of us will get it first time. None of us is born with a good grasp on grace. Everyone gets at least a taste of what it's like to react angrily to a world that just doesn't understand. In this way we are like islands; never really to be understood.
But this is where God has broken through. God has sent us an example: Jesus Christ. Through the Son of God and his exemplification of the grace to forgive every single injustice (and Jesus suffered significantly more injustice than we could ever suffer) we have the example.
The only way to move on effectively from the hurts of the world is to surrender them to God: "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do." These words have tremendous power. No one would do what they are doing (or have done) to us if they were us - if they knew the truth behind their actions in the way it makes us feel. If they were us they would desist immediately. They know not what they do. They know not its true effects. Their actions are ignorant. They know only life from their angle of things. And pity them for not attempting to understand. This is why to the one with Christ is to love the other as ourselves; to treat people as we would like to be treated.
When a person cannot be expected to know what it is like to be me, how can I expect them to understand how betrayed I feel or how disappointed I am?
When we have tried everything else in dealing with our anger and resentment, surely forgiveness is worth a go. Surrendering ourselves to the Lord, we begin to understand what it is like for another person to not understand being us.
When we spend even a moment thinking of things from another's angle we begin to understand forgiveness. They know not what they do or have done to us. They can't be expected to know. But we can begin to understand them. And that's how we move toward forgiveness. Understand them.
By Steve Wickham
The Easiest Way to Stop Attracting Narcissists
Recently, I wrote an article for people who feel like they are a magnet for narcissists, where I covered the traits and beliefs that are likely to attract them, and what to do to stop drawing them into your life.
However, there is another way that will weed them out very quickly. And that is to not show them if you pity or feel sorry for them.
This can be a slightly controversial statement because we're expected to show compassion and understanding for everyone, no matter what they've done. But this attitude is then used by sneaky people to allow them to behave however they want, no matter who they hurt, and escape the consequences by painting themselves as the one who deserves pity (more commonly known as the narcissistic pity-play), while they themselves show none for the people they've hurt.
Usually, when a narcissist tries to make you feel guilty for not feeling sorry for him, for not having enough 'understanding' or 'empathy', what he really means is that you're not agreeing with him that he shouldn't be held accountable for his own actions. Because calling someone out on lying and cheating (for example) is not the same as being without empathy and understanding. When you call them out on their behaviour, they have no way of knowing that you don't empathize with them or understand them. All they know is that you don't agree with what they did and that you expect them to take responsibility for it. So don't allow them to confuse the two. They are not the same thing, and the narcissist knows that.
Gaining pity from others is the leverage they use to get through life without having to take the same responsibility any adult is expected to take. Ask yourself if the person who's suddenly so concerned with empathy and understanding when it comes to themselves, has ever shown any for the people that they've hurt? Do they show remorse for the harm they've caused others, or is everything suddenly twisted around so that somehow, they become the victim?
They'll usually try to convince you that you must be a very harsh, judgmental person to hold them accountable for their actions. They'll try to make you feel so guilty that you'll back-peddle to prove that you're a good person. But bear in mind that if they really believed you were incapable of empathy, why would they try to use it as a weapon by claiming you don't have any? A person without empathy wouldn't care if someone accused them of having none, so they wouldn't waste their time with this approach. The very fact that they're trying to make you feel sorry for them should tell you that not only do they know you have empathy, but they know you have so much of it that they can use it as a weapon against you.
People who genuinely deserve your pity don't go out of their way to campaign for it. The narcissist puts people into two folders; 'Good' and 'Bad'. Be OK with going into the 'Bad' folder in a narcissist's mind. The people in the here are the people who stood up to the narcissist and actually expect this adult to act like one. They don't fall over themselves with pity whenever the narcissist turns on the crocodile tears after hurting people over and over again.
The people in the narcissist's 'Good' folder are the people who make it their singular life's mission to meet all the narcissist's needs while having none of their own. They'll do whatever it takes to make life easier for the narcissist, even sacrificing themselves and other people such as their children to the narcissist's abuse. But no-one stays in the 'Good' folder. As soon as you put one foot wrong (for example, not automatically replacing your own reality with the narcissist's when he lies about something you've witnessed with your own eyes), you're going to end up in the first folder anyway, so why not save yourself the trouble and go there right away?
You can have empathy and understanding for someone, and even feel sorry for them, and still expect them to take responsibility and be held accountable for their actions. It's not an either/or. Narcissists love to create false dilemmas and they're banking on you feeling so guilty and confused that you won't consider this.
So allow the narcissists to weed themselves out of your life by not giving them the pity they demand. What they're looking for is someone who'll fall for their sob stories, while giving them the admiration they crave. They are not attracted to people who expect them to take responsibility for their actions, and who don't think they are so special that they are exempt from accountability. In their minds, no-one can ever pity them or worship enough anyway.
Don't automatically believe them when they claim to be hurt. Most of the time, they're not hurt, they're angry. And even if they are hurt, hurt feelings aren't some kind of get out of jail free card. By pretending to be hurt, they're trying to make you feel bad for being so harsh and judgmental towards such a soft, sensitive soul. But if they aren't too soft and sensitive when it came to repeatedly hurting you or others, then they're not so soft and sensitive that they need to be shielded from the consequences of their own behaviour.
By all means, have compassion for the narcissist, from a safe distance. But compassion doesn't mean tolerating their bad behaviour. Keep that in mind, because a narcissist will certainly try to convince you otherwise.
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