The following is what I think makes a relationship work. I was with the same partner for over forty-five years. This information is merely touching the surface and is based on what worked for me and others that I spoke with who also where in long-term relationships that lasted thirty years or longer.
No one ever said it would be easy to make a relationship work. It takes two people and it is a full-time job. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. A relationship cannot be one- sided. Right out the gate trust is a key factor in any relationship, without it there is no relationship. You both have to be 100% committed and be willing to make sacrifices and compromises. Never be afraid to tell your partner how you feel. If something is bothering you talk it out, you may not like the out come but that is where compromise can come into the picture.
When making decisions to do something always take into consideration how it will affect your partner and relationship. You need to remember when in a relationship that it is not always just about you. Your actions can affect your partner just as much as they affect you.
Communication! Communication! Communication, always keep it open and going never let it die! Communication skills to not happen overnight. It takes a lot of hard work on both partners end and it continues throughout your entire relationship.
Never ever lie, it is better to tell the truth and take what happens and work it out because nine out of ten times if you do lie it will come back and bite you in the ass and your trust goes right out the window. Remember without trust there really is no relationship.
Never act like you are better than your partner, you may be better educated or be better off financially but do not ever flaunt it. You need to remember you are a couple not just two individuals. Have respect for one another and always respect each others privacy. Never plaster your disagreements or spats on social media. Do not post photo's that are embarrassing. Once it is out there, it is out there forever and you can not take it back.
When you get into a fight and you will (don't believe someone when they tell you that they never fight everyone does one time or another) do not go running to family members and tell them all the details. The reason I am telling you this is because you will makeup and everything will be fine, however, your family members will remember every word you said about your partner and every time they see your partner they are going to remember what you said. So keep your family members out of the personal parts of your relationship. Over time if you continue running to family members their attitude towards your partner is going to change. If they had a good relationship they no longer will.
One Major thing to remember is in order for your relationship to thrive you have to constantly keep working on it. You need to keep it fresh and exciting.
By Mickie L Tracy
Tuesday 15 April 2014
Monday 14 April 2014
How to Live With Your Roommate
We have all been there. Whether it be in college, a job, or just trying to make ends meet, we needed someone to help with the bills. You put out word to your friends, family, or internet that you are looking for a roommate. Luckily, you find one and they seemed to be a nice person. So you let them move in and after a while problems start to arise. You do not know what to do and need some help. Well, here are some simple steps that can help you solve those pesky problems.
These are just a few broad steps that can help roommates co-exist together in harmony or make your life better.
By Tyler Craft
- Sit down with the roommate and discuss the problem. The problem could be like eating your food, using your shampoo, or playing music too loud. For more serious problems like dealing with rent or joint bills, follow your judgement and act accordingly.
- Make a plan with the roommate to stop it from happening again. A simple solution could be writing your name on the food that you buy or moving bathroom items into each others bedroom. Talk about what would happen if the problem continued and a way that both roommates benefit from the decision. A good example could be a money jar. Each time someone messes up, put a dollar in the jar for future bills.
- Do not pressure someone into a plan that does not suit them. It will only make matters worst and your life miserable.
- If it does continue, do not let it. Let them know that you both came to an agreement and that you are enforcing it. If it continues after that, let them know that they need to start searching for a new place.
- Talk to your roommate about the issue. If they are any of the issues listed above, talk to them when you find out about it. Not three months down the road.
- Create a strict plan on how to solve the problem. All issues should be solved quickly.
- If it continues after that, tell them that by the end of the following month, they will need to move out. If you are not stern with this, they will continue living there and the problem will persist.
- If the roommate is doing drugs or drinking excessively, first ask them to stop. If they continue afterwards, get a hold of a family member that will be willing to help them into rehab. Also, use your discretion on whether to let them continue living there or not after the rehab is finished.
- If you get abused, call the local Sheriff's department. They will arrest your roommate and put him in jail. That also will give you grounds to kick them out. In doing so, get a hold of their family to move the roommate's items out of the house.
- In any other serious situation, call the local Sheriff's department. They will help you with the problem.
These are just a few broad steps that can help roommates co-exist together in harmony or make your life better.
By Tyler Craft
Sunday 13 April 2014
The Phone Call From the Lonely Man
SOME time ago I received a phone call from a gentleman who need not be named, but one who had succumbed to a very common social issue that many people, and especially men, suffer from.
The issue was loneliness, but the deeper cause to this issue of isolation was a manifestation of a season of anxiety and depression.
This gentleman had reconciled within himself that the only way he could present himself adequately in social situations was as a strong and capable man, fully in control of his weaknesses. His premise was okay, until he found himself compromised and vulnerable and then, of course, he had nowhere to go for support.
This gentleman, we can call Tom, telephoned me, but only after he had received a revelation from God. That revelation was that his isolation was intrinsically part of the problem.
To receive help for his weakness he needed fellowship of other men; guys who had as their purpose to get beyond superficial talk, so as to talk about and especially listen into the deeper issues of life.
He needed other men not so much when he was strong but when he was feeling weak. He would only make himself available to be around others when he felt strong enough, but unfortunately that wasn't the time he needed them. He most needed others when he felt weak, compromised and vulnerable.
***
The telephone call went something like this:
"Hey Steve, God woke me this morning at 2 AM to tell me to get out of bed and go for a walk. I did so even though I was tired. While I was on the walk God told me that the reason I was feeling so weak was because I was so isolated. He told me that my problem and my solution were one and the same thing. 'To receive my power', he said, 'connect with other men when you are feeling weak. When you share yourself boldly and honestly I will be with you and I will use these men to heal you'."
On the phone, Tom told me, "Steve, it makes so much sense. I feel delivered." I replied, "It sounds like a miracle to me, Tom. Praise God."
***
When we feel weak we isolate, but that's the opposite of what we need. When we are vulnerable we need support. When we most want to isolate, that's the time we most need to connect with others.
By Steve Wickham
The issue was loneliness, but the deeper cause to this issue of isolation was a manifestation of a season of anxiety and depression.
This gentleman had reconciled within himself that the only way he could present himself adequately in social situations was as a strong and capable man, fully in control of his weaknesses. His premise was okay, until he found himself compromised and vulnerable and then, of course, he had nowhere to go for support.
This gentleman, we can call Tom, telephoned me, but only after he had received a revelation from God. That revelation was that his isolation was intrinsically part of the problem.
To receive help for his weakness he needed fellowship of other men; guys who had as their purpose to get beyond superficial talk, so as to talk about and especially listen into the deeper issues of life.
He needed other men not so much when he was strong but when he was feeling weak. He would only make himself available to be around others when he felt strong enough, but unfortunately that wasn't the time he needed them. He most needed others when he felt weak, compromised and vulnerable.
***
The telephone call went something like this:
"Hey Steve, God woke me this morning at 2 AM to tell me to get out of bed and go for a walk. I did so even though I was tired. While I was on the walk God told me that the reason I was feeling so weak was because I was so isolated. He told me that my problem and my solution were one and the same thing. 'To receive my power', he said, 'connect with other men when you are feeling weak. When you share yourself boldly and honestly I will be with you and I will use these men to heal you'."
On the phone, Tom told me, "Steve, it makes so much sense. I feel delivered." I replied, "It sounds like a miracle to me, Tom. Praise God."
***
When we feel weak we isolate, but that's the opposite of what we need. When we are vulnerable we need support. When we most want to isolate, that's the time we most need to connect with others.
By Steve Wickham
Saturday 12 April 2014
Empathy in Loving Relationships
Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. With the growth of brain science and research we now know that humans have mirror neurons that allow us to have a sense of what others are feeling. In essence, we see another, imagine what they may be feeling, which is then mirrored in our brain. Our body unconsciously mimics the facial expression or body posture of the other person, we then respond on an emotional level and make an offer of assistance of one sort or another.
Despite these mirror neurons, not all people are able to resonate with understanding about what another is feeling. There are sometimes medical reasons for this (e.g. Mental illness, Autism etc). Growing up in a family that does not readily express emotion or show empathy overtly to others is another reason that one's empathic responses may be underdeveloped. The most common reason for a lack of empathy is the negative cycle that couples can fall into when their needs are not being met.
When we have a sense that our partner is not emotionally there for us our brains fire an alarm signal (the same way it would if we were face to face with a tiger) and we go into survival mode -- fight (pursuit), flee (withdraw) or freeze. These survival tactics, while absolutely necessary to help us when there is danger, do not allow us to connect to our partner in a way that will calm the alarm. A negative feedback cycle develops that has both partners alarm bells blaring and keeps them from being able to be truly present for each other. When we are preoccupied with survival (becoming hyper vigilant for threats and managing fear) we are unable to take in and care about our partner's upset or distress. Empathy is simply not possible in this state and the deep connection that is yearned for in relationship is missed.
Brené Brown showed a wonderful animated short in her Power of Vulnerability Ted Talk in 2012. She elegantly shows us exactly what empathy looks and feels like. Enjoy! Please follow this link to Brené Brown's animated short: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
The good news is that empathy and deep connection is something that couples can develop. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy helps couples unravel the patterns that have gotten them caught and keeps them in this fear/reactive cycle. Understanding one's stance in the cycle as well as the emotions and needs lurking below begins to soothe distressed feelings and allows couples to explore new ways of approaching each other that bring them closer rather than sending them scurrying in different directions.
To read other relationship articles click here and learn about all of the ways you and your partner can create a stronger and more vibrant relationship.
By Catherine Morris
Despite these mirror neurons, not all people are able to resonate with understanding about what another is feeling. There are sometimes medical reasons for this (e.g. Mental illness, Autism etc). Growing up in a family that does not readily express emotion or show empathy overtly to others is another reason that one's empathic responses may be underdeveloped. The most common reason for a lack of empathy is the negative cycle that couples can fall into when their needs are not being met.
When we have a sense that our partner is not emotionally there for us our brains fire an alarm signal (the same way it would if we were face to face with a tiger) and we go into survival mode -- fight (pursuit), flee (withdraw) or freeze. These survival tactics, while absolutely necessary to help us when there is danger, do not allow us to connect to our partner in a way that will calm the alarm. A negative feedback cycle develops that has both partners alarm bells blaring and keeps them from being able to be truly present for each other. When we are preoccupied with survival (becoming hyper vigilant for threats and managing fear) we are unable to take in and care about our partner's upset or distress. Empathy is simply not possible in this state and the deep connection that is yearned for in relationship is missed.
Brené Brown showed a wonderful animated short in her Power of Vulnerability Ted Talk in 2012. She elegantly shows us exactly what empathy looks and feels like. Enjoy! Please follow this link to Brené Brown's animated short: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
The good news is that empathy and deep connection is something that couples can develop. Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy helps couples unravel the patterns that have gotten them caught and keeps them in this fear/reactive cycle. Understanding one's stance in the cycle as well as the emotions and needs lurking below begins to soothe distressed feelings and allows couples to explore new ways of approaching each other that bring them closer rather than sending them scurrying in different directions.
To read other relationship articles click here and learn about all of the ways you and your partner can create a stronger and more vibrant relationship.
By Catherine Morris
Friday 11 April 2014
7 Secrets for a Happier and Stronger Relationship
- Prioritize time together. Happy couples make time to be together. Take 10 minutes out of your day every day and talk with your partner. This is not the time to try and solve your issues or the world's problems - just take these few minutes as an opportunity to catch up on each other's lives.
- Understand what makes your partner tick. Be tuned into what makes your partner happy and perhaps, just as importantly, what makes them angry. Know each other's "hot buttons" and avoid them. Talk candidly to one another and be honest with your feelings.
- Secret Couple Language: Create a secret look or non-verbal signal that means something special only to the two of you. It could be something subtle to let your partner know that you want to leave somewhere without hurting people's feelings or possibly even escape to the bedroom for some intimate time. These secret signals will strengthen your emotional bond and bring you closer together.
- Have Sex - No excuses! Couples in the strongest relationships have sex on a regular basis. A healthy sex life brings you and your partner closer together. So, as Nike says: just do it!
- Know how to transition from problems to passion! Happy couples will find ways to get out of the groove of their serious day to day life and get back into playful mode. Something as simple as swatting your partner's butt as they cook dinner or snuggling up next to them while they finish up some work could make a huge difference. It's fun to have silly moments that break your partner out of their hectic lives and bring you closer together and bring the fun back into your relationship. Let go of the serious grind of life and be playful - just because...
- Be Grateful. Take pleasure in the simple things in life and be grateful for each other. Remember those everyday tasks your partner gets done, but you don't always thank them for it? Thank them! Let them know you appreciate every little thing they do for you. Maybe making dinner every night or walking the dog every morning - whatever it may be - tell your partner how much you appreciate those mundane little tasks. It will serve as a reminder to them just how important they are to you - and how much you care. (No one wants to be taken for granted!)
- Have a Sense of Humor & LAUGH!! This is perhaps the most important tip on this list. No matter what life throws your way, couples should always remember to laugh together. Being able to take things lightly and shrug off the small stuff will make those big issues that much easier to deal with. Live, laugh, and love.
Thursday 10 April 2014
How Can Someone Know If Their Relationships Are Dysfunctional?
There are people on this planet who are experiencing relationships that are functional and healthy. This might be how it has always been, or it could be the result of them making certain changes throughout their life.
On the other side of the spectrum will be people who are currently experiencing relationships that are dysfunctional and unhealthy. And while this may be the result of what has happened in their later life, it could be something they have experienced more or less their whole lives.
Normal
So no matter what ones relationships are like, they are likely to be what are classed as normal. If ones relationships are fulfilling, then one can feel grateful; that's if they were to even think about how things are for them.
When one has experienced something for a while or for their whole life, it can be easy to take it for granted. It is then ignored and instead of realising how fortunate one is, one can focus on what they haven't got for instance.
And if ones relationships are not fulfilling, one can feel like a victim or that they have no control. There is the chance that one will do something, and yet they might just put up with how things are.
How life Is
If one is in a position where they have always experienced healthy relationships, they might believe that this is how life is. And that everyone else has relationships that are as fulfilling as theirs.
And if one has always had relationships with others that are not fulfilling or just when it relates to the opposite sex for instance, they might also believe that this is how life is. They could believe that everyone else is in the same position as them or just not place too much attention on people who are experiencing life differently.
The Challenge
So while some people will be aware of the fact that their relationships are not healthy and therefore have the chance to do something about it, there are also going to be people who are not aware of how dysfunctional their relationships are.
And like the fish that doesn't know it's in water, one will have relationships that they don't realise are unhealthy. This is not to say that one will be in denial about how things are, they can be only too familiar with pain and drama.
What is can mean is that one has not come to the conscious realisation that their relationships are not healthy. As a result of this, one is unable to know that there are other ways for relationships to be.
Experiences
The experiences that one has had with people will have created a certain outlook about what relationships are like. These will have shaped ones personal beliefs about relationships and about their own value.
So if one has only experienced relationships that are abusive, controlling, manipulative, cold and neglectful for instance, then this is going to be classed as the 'truth' to their ego mind. And what the ego mind sees as the truth will define how one experiences life.
Anything that goes against the ego minds ideas will be filtered out in some way. What the mind sees is what is classed as familiar, and what is familiar is what is safe. However, what is classed safe could be harmful and detrimental to ones wellbeing.
The Prison
One can then end up living in a self created prison and the chance of seeing reality differently becomes impossible. In order for one's mind to see that there are other ways for relationships to be, one will need to expose themselves to things that will make their mind think differently.
For as long as one's mind is not challenged, one will continue to think in the same way and to therefore experience life in the same.
Information
When new information is taken on board, it will be like a new seed that is planted; at first very little will occur, but as time passes, growth will appear. What this new information does, is create an inner contrast.
And no matter what ones relationships are like, when they have seen that they can be different, there is hope. What this then gives someone is the belief that change is possible and that they don't have to put up with how things are.
But without these new reference points, one would be trapped in the prison that their mind has created over the years. This doesn't mean that everything will change overnight or that it even needs to, what matters is that a new seed has been planted.
New Reference points
It is clear that these new reference points won't just appear in one's mind, they need to be created. And this is going to mean that one needs to do things they wouldn't usually do. Although one will need to accept how things are, it doesn't mean that they have to see their life as anything other than feedback.
Their outer world is simply mirroring back what is taking place within them. One way to create new reference points is to read books on relationships; this will alter ones inner model. Another way is to consciously look for people who have good relationships.
Ones childhood years play a big role in what their relationships are like as an adult. So looking into what took place here and questioning the beliefs that were formed, as well as processing any emotional pain, will make a difference.
Awareness
Books can be read and courses can be taken, as well as reaching out for the support of a therapist, healer or a coach. The main thing is that one changes their inner model of what relationships are like and how they deserve to be treated.
By Oliver J R Cooper
On the other side of the spectrum will be people who are currently experiencing relationships that are dysfunctional and unhealthy. And while this may be the result of what has happened in their later life, it could be something they have experienced more or less their whole lives.
Normal
So no matter what ones relationships are like, they are likely to be what are classed as normal. If ones relationships are fulfilling, then one can feel grateful; that's if they were to even think about how things are for them.
When one has experienced something for a while or for their whole life, it can be easy to take it for granted. It is then ignored and instead of realising how fortunate one is, one can focus on what they haven't got for instance.
And if ones relationships are not fulfilling, one can feel like a victim or that they have no control. There is the chance that one will do something, and yet they might just put up with how things are.
How life Is
If one is in a position where they have always experienced healthy relationships, they might believe that this is how life is. And that everyone else has relationships that are as fulfilling as theirs.
And if one has always had relationships with others that are not fulfilling or just when it relates to the opposite sex for instance, they might also believe that this is how life is. They could believe that everyone else is in the same position as them or just not place too much attention on people who are experiencing life differently.
The Challenge
So while some people will be aware of the fact that their relationships are not healthy and therefore have the chance to do something about it, there are also going to be people who are not aware of how dysfunctional their relationships are.
And like the fish that doesn't know it's in water, one will have relationships that they don't realise are unhealthy. This is not to say that one will be in denial about how things are, they can be only too familiar with pain and drama.
What is can mean is that one has not come to the conscious realisation that their relationships are not healthy. As a result of this, one is unable to know that there are other ways for relationships to be.
Experiences
The experiences that one has had with people will have created a certain outlook about what relationships are like. These will have shaped ones personal beliefs about relationships and about their own value.
So if one has only experienced relationships that are abusive, controlling, manipulative, cold and neglectful for instance, then this is going to be classed as the 'truth' to their ego mind. And what the ego mind sees as the truth will define how one experiences life.
Anything that goes against the ego minds ideas will be filtered out in some way. What the mind sees is what is classed as familiar, and what is familiar is what is safe. However, what is classed safe could be harmful and detrimental to ones wellbeing.
The Prison
One can then end up living in a self created prison and the chance of seeing reality differently becomes impossible. In order for one's mind to see that there are other ways for relationships to be, one will need to expose themselves to things that will make their mind think differently.
For as long as one's mind is not challenged, one will continue to think in the same way and to therefore experience life in the same.
Information
When new information is taken on board, it will be like a new seed that is planted; at first very little will occur, but as time passes, growth will appear. What this new information does, is create an inner contrast.
And no matter what ones relationships are like, when they have seen that they can be different, there is hope. What this then gives someone is the belief that change is possible and that they don't have to put up with how things are.
But without these new reference points, one would be trapped in the prison that their mind has created over the years. This doesn't mean that everything will change overnight or that it even needs to, what matters is that a new seed has been planted.
New Reference points
It is clear that these new reference points won't just appear in one's mind, they need to be created. And this is going to mean that one needs to do things they wouldn't usually do. Although one will need to accept how things are, it doesn't mean that they have to see their life as anything other than feedback.
Their outer world is simply mirroring back what is taking place within them. One way to create new reference points is to read books on relationships; this will alter ones inner model. Another way is to consciously look for people who have good relationships.
Ones childhood years play a big role in what their relationships are like as an adult. So looking into what took place here and questioning the beliefs that were formed, as well as processing any emotional pain, will make a difference.
Awareness
Books can be read and courses can be taken, as well as reaching out for the support of a therapist, healer or a coach. The main thing is that one changes their inner model of what relationships are like and how they deserve to be treated.
By Oliver J R Cooper
Wednesday 9 April 2014
How to Propose to Your Man
The ever-evolving dynamics of relationships, weddings and marriage has opened up a world of opportunity where conformity and social propriety are no longer a couple's main concern. Most relationships are far more equal and less dependent than they were even just a few decades ago. Therefore, embrace the change and consider proposing to your man instead of putting the socially perceived responsibility on him. However, you might want to consider a few factors when venturing into this potentially new territory of proposal ideas.
Anything Goes
While most women, from an early age are introduced to the Disney, and then Hollywood, dream ideal of how to propose, this has probably not been as significant in your man's life. Perhaps they noticed it briefly in any of the romantic comedies they have seen, but did it compel them to dream about perfect proposal ideas or construct complete fantasy scenarios in their minds? It is safe to say that the answer is probably not. So, this ultimately works in your favour, as he will not have any preconceived notions of 'how it should be' and there is little chance of disappointing him. Plus, the element of surprise is it that bit easier to achieve when it is the lady doing the proposing.
Keep It Simple
Not to be sexist or anything but it is a widely regarded notion, and I think most women would agree, that men are somewhat less complicated than women. Most men would probably appreciate a more simple approach to a proposal, as opposed to a long drawn out and convoluted one that just takes forever to get to the point. Be fun, be creative and don't go too heavy on the sentimental romantic elements. Think about inviting him to join you on a lifetime of love, laughter and adventure together.
Play to his Interests
Just like you would probably hope he would do for you, play to his personality and interests and show him how well you know and love him. Make it memorable by incorporating his favourite sports, movies, hobbies or activities. Interests that you both have in common and enjoy doing together are an ideal source of perfect proposal ideas.
And a Small Word of Caution
Although you are probably both perfectly comfortable in your relationship and would not see anything wrong or strange about you proposing to your man, his friends, family, co-workers and even society in general maybe be a little slower in their acceptance of it. Therefore, it may be better not to make a big public display of the proposal. It is also important to be sure to accurately anticipate your man's feelings towards what you are about to do. You certainly don't want to leave the occasion with him feeling like you 'stole his thunder'.
By Laura L Bolick
Anything Goes
While most women, from an early age are introduced to the Disney, and then Hollywood, dream ideal of how to propose, this has probably not been as significant in your man's life. Perhaps they noticed it briefly in any of the romantic comedies they have seen, but did it compel them to dream about perfect proposal ideas or construct complete fantasy scenarios in their minds? It is safe to say that the answer is probably not. So, this ultimately works in your favour, as he will not have any preconceived notions of 'how it should be' and there is little chance of disappointing him. Plus, the element of surprise is it that bit easier to achieve when it is the lady doing the proposing.
Keep It Simple
Not to be sexist or anything but it is a widely regarded notion, and I think most women would agree, that men are somewhat less complicated than women. Most men would probably appreciate a more simple approach to a proposal, as opposed to a long drawn out and convoluted one that just takes forever to get to the point. Be fun, be creative and don't go too heavy on the sentimental romantic elements. Think about inviting him to join you on a lifetime of love, laughter and adventure together.
Play to his Interests
Just like you would probably hope he would do for you, play to his personality and interests and show him how well you know and love him. Make it memorable by incorporating his favourite sports, movies, hobbies or activities. Interests that you both have in common and enjoy doing together are an ideal source of perfect proposal ideas.
And a Small Word of Caution
Although you are probably both perfectly comfortable in your relationship and would not see anything wrong or strange about you proposing to your man, his friends, family, co-workers and even society in general maybe be a little slower in their acceptance of it. Therefore, it may be better not to make a big public display of the proposal. It is also important to be sure to accurately anticipate your man's feelings towards what you are about to do. You certainly don't want to leave the occasion with him feeling like you 'stole his thunder'.
By Laura L Bolick
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